Japanese woman

I enjoyed this post. Two Americans and one French guy had a round-table talk about Japanese women. They said the annyoying part of Japanese women is they doesn’t make themselves clear. They don't say Yes or No clearly but they get angry if guys can't catch it. I heard it's very hard to know the real feelings of the Japanese. My American friend complained about this. He taught English at a private company. All students were friendly, they laughed in the class always. He said to students that they could tell anything about him and the class. However he heard from his boss, the company asked to change teachers. He really could not understand what was happening. Their friendly attitude was just their "Tatemae" and far from their real feeling "Honne". I am not sure what was real in that case, but I can say Japanese people tend to avoid hurting someone by refusal. Even in a case they don't like so much, they pretend to like it and avoid saying "No" in person. I won't say it is good or bad, but we have such a culture where we are vague in our responses, and so that we need to sense other's feelings or “catch wind.” We say "空気を読む" (to read air). Those are the ways of Japanese communication.

But in relationships between a man and a woman, I can't imagine the Japanese are so different from other people. I want to ask foreign guys... For example, you ask your GF, "What do you want for your Birthday present?" She replies, "No, no, your warm feelings are enough." But if you don't give her anything, she might be in a bad mood...This might not happen to you? Okay, how about this: You ask your wife, "How about going to eat dinner at my friend’s house?" Your wife replies, "We went there two weeks ago, but if you want to…okay, let's go." In this case, you should sense her "okay level" from her way of talking and facial expression. I suppose you would do this with your GF or wife too. You call to her and ask, "Do you have time this weekend? How about dinner at the restaurant?" She says, "Ah well, I have a dentist appointment, I am not sure what time it will be done, I might have a pain killer shot too. So..." You ask, "Do you have a boyfriend? Or you don't want to go out with me?" She says, "No, no, I don't have any particular BF just right now and it would be nice to go to dinner with you, but I have no time this weekend. Sorry." This hasn't happened to you? I think I watched this kind of scene in Hollywood movies. Single women tend to be unclear always. :-) No?

Anyway, the interesting part is Japanese women's charm. They said Japanese women's charm is their open mind and their energy. The French guy said Japanese women are pleased to take on a new challenge, and actually most Japanese overseas students learning in France were female. He said Japanese women wouldn't care if they understood the language or not, they did what they wanted to do and were very active. An American guy agreed with him. He said young Americans seem not to have an interest in foreign countries and they don't have an interest in living overseas too. Hmm, I did not think like that. However when I come to think of it, all of my friends who went to study abroad were women. All international couples consist of a Japanese woman and a foreign guy.

However, of course it can't be completely agreed. They meet Japanese girls who work at such companies (that have foreign employees), have such friend networks (international), use such communications (English site or newspaper), etc. You know, they meet such girls, it is inevitable that they feel like that. You will meet your type of person in your society and your activities. This is the same rule as the issue of a hot topic "Kakusa shakai" (a society of disparity). Kakusa shakai is one of the 2006 word of the year.. Actually for the above-mentioned American teacher, things seem to be different. He says many Japanese women seem not so independent. Even though Japanese women stopped hoping for "Sanko"(ideal partner), they still expect to be housewives and stay in sweet homes. He said this because he teaches English to such housewives. He said also studying English is just a language interest for them, and they have no concern for other countries. (Of course, that’s better than no interest though).

By the way, another American said Japanese women give up their time and energy to their boyfriends and it's admirable, but also it’s too much if they go too far. I really agree with him. Do you like such devotion or not? It depends on you :)

Comments

[Chris]

OMG this is so true. First time I got to know a japanese girl and shes nothing but a headaches.

I ask her out for a date, she said sure we can date, then she said "but not this weekend because Im busy, not next month because Im still busy."

Ok how about if you call me? sure Ill call you next week, she never called.

She said she was gonna see me at work to thank me, thank me for what I dont know, well she never turned up. She insist that we stay friends but wont actually put any effort.

What I see is, she would tell lies and make promises just to make you feel better. Ask her a simple yes or no question and she could never answer it.

This is my first experience with a japanese girl and Im certainly dissapointed. Too many excuses, too many lies, too vague, think shes better than any other asians, nothing special, not even worth anyone time.

She is the most difficult girl I ever met in my whole life. I hope not all japanese women are like that.

This post concerns something that has been bothering me for a couple weeks. My situation is the opposite, I am a female living in Japan and I was seeing a Japanese man. I have never been interested in Japanese men, because I just assumed that there is too many cultural differences. When I met this person the differences mattered, but I overlooked them. I felt like I was inside a bubble when I was with this person. I also felt like I was touching hell. There was alot of confusion between us, as there is with any human beings, but more so because we are from two different cultures. I really felt that he wasn't giving me any clear answers and it was torture for me. One night after I had known him for about a month, we were walking out of a resturant and he says, I really want to sleep with you. So he takes me to this love motel and I am thinking I barely know this guy. Yes, I like him, but I can't do this here or now. I left him while he was talking to the front desk, trying to get a room. He sent me an email asking where are you now. But I didn't respond right away. The next morning I sent him a pointed email about what I thought, and when he didn't respond by that night I sent him another email. I asked him why he could tell me he wants to sleep with me but alot of other things he can't say how he feels. Basically, he responded that he was just an akward person and he doesn't know how to treat women. But I couldn't take the pressure anymore of wondering what he thought or what would happen, so I told him I couldn't see him anymore. I guess part of me was waiting to see how or if he would respond. Another part was dreading it if he did. And the secret part of me really missed him. And I still do. Especially after reading these posts and talking to some people I realized that most Japanese are really secretive about their feelings. I want to say something to this person, but I am not sure if I should because it was so beautiful and terrible before. He might think as I am sure one of you might say, that I am crazy. Yes, I think I am a little at times, btt I am hardly ever vague. Thank you for reading this. Any constructive advice is welcome.

[angst4less]

relationships are complicated simply because we approach them with out individual ideas. It seems unless you are willing to abandon what you "know" about a person, you will never learn to understand them in the slightest...which actually, is closer to reality..sorry to say.
japanese women are HOT with a capital Schwing!...as an icon. Getting to know one on an intimate level will require nerves of steel and the patience of a saint...or a strong bottle of your favorite liquor and a good book for when things go wrong. I am generalizing naturally. I am sure that there are varying degrees of this phenomenon in any culture, but I have noted the total non verbal thing that happens when you least expect it in my dealings with Nihonjin females. It can be infuriating.
to Falco..rock me amadeus!.
and to LSL...I'm sorry..but Dr Swill sucks runny green dookie from an idiot straw..the quicker someone throttles that opinionated loud-mouth-breathing hillbilly with his mamas' stink stained underpants..the better off we will all be. sorry..I may be stepping on toes with this statement..but I hate that guy and his arrogant fascist drawl. Of course that pretty much goes for all of the O-clones..I mean paint a bald spot on Rachel Ray and give her some swagger and she could replace the not-so-good doc with little fanfare and it might even keep the welfare moms from heating up pot pies and actually deciding to feed their brats something almost homemade. god I hate american television. when did we become such a vapid nation of non-thinkers?

[Falco]

Interesting point. Just one thing to nitpick (and I am sure no-one wants to hear): most mixed international Japanese-Foreign couples are in fact Japanese male and foreign female rather than the other way around. Moreover, the vast majority of international marriages are between Japanese grooms and foreign brides mostly from China, the Phillippines and Korea. The number of Japanese male/foreign bride marriages is more than 4-times the number of foreign male/Japanese bridge. In the comparatively small number of international marriages between foreign men and Japanese women, the most common husbands stem from China, Korea or the US.

Cheers,
F

Interesting point. Just one thing to nitpick: most mixed international Japanese-Foreign couples are in fact Japanese male and foreign female rather than the other way around. Moreover, the vast majority of international marriages are between Japanese grooms and foreign brides mostly from China, the Phillippines and Korea. The number of Japanese male/foreign bride marriages is more than 4-times the number of foreign male/Japanese bridge. In the comparatively small number of international marriages between foreign men and Japanese women, the most common husbands stem from China, Korea or the US.

[Mari]

Hi there
thank you for comments. Yes jack, I think all woman will be vague much or less. I think me too.

[Roaf]

I agree with this! I once dated a Japanese girl and she was in a bad mood for a long time and I couldn't understand why. Eventually she told me it was because I said she was "cool". She thought it had a bad meaning, like "cold" and was upset. If she'd reacted immediately, there wouldn't have been the misunderstanding!

[gullevek]

Not only woman are vague. A lot of japanese people are vague. Its hard, but you really have to learn to read the air I guess.

I don't know much about japanese woman thought, was together with one for some years, and I am not sure if I ever want to be with one again ...

[snowfox]

Sorry Off Topic.

Mari San, Are you Alright.

Japan West Coast(Local Time Sunday, March 25, 2007 at 9:42:16 AM) just experience a 7.1 Magnitude Earth Quake, understand that you are on the East side.

[Long Story Longer]

I agree that American women can be vague, but I think it doesnt compare with Japanese women. Even just with girl friends, its incredibly hard to know their true feelings. I made some great friends in Japan, but I do still get frustrated with the cultural expectations that are on them to not be candid with their feelings. One of my friends says, "Japanese women have to be actresses." American woman may be actresses, but we dont have to be. It all can make emotional intimacy very difficult.

[Martin F]

Mari, you should watch Doctor Phil, he has all the answers in the known universe. As for the rest, I believe Oprah is the one to call.

What is the name of the psychic man with the orange wig on Japanese TV, who talks about relationships a lot? And there is another one too, always dressed in blue.

I think I will watch Psychic Academy instead! ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M6f0iKlLZg

[bshock]

For the first few years of our relationship, my wife was very vague with me. She really seemed to expect me to read her mind. When I failed to do so, she took it as a sign that I didn't care about her.

Dealing with this was a major challenge. I would say over and over again, "When you want me to do something, just tell me. If you don't tell me, it won't happen." Eventually my wife became better at telling me what she wanted, and I became better at understanding what she wanted.

All of my married co-workers agree that they had similar early challenges with their relationships. I would suspect that Japanese and American women have this trait of vagueness in common.

[jack]

By "vague," I mean the frustrating conversations mentioned in the second paragraph.

[macky]

very nice and informative blog. I link your blog to my blogs, http://artofjpn3.blogspot.com/ and http://artofjpn2.blogspot.com/

[snowfox]

Dated a few Japanese Ladies. Maybe I am lucky, can see whether if they are happy or not in the relationship.

Japanese Ladies have the added Social/Peer Pressure to conform to the "Normal".

Japanese Ladies, tend to keep their composure very well, a smile may not be what its seem. Words need to analysis with a fine tooth comb. Body language studied closely.

For some, it's is a living hell, for others, it provide endless hours of fun and joy.

Some Ladies (and a few men) tend to hold their cards close to heart, Even after marriage, this tactic does not go away easily. Fear of losing, hurt. faithless and a host of other things.

[manda]

(I'm American) When I don't want to go out with a guy I'll make excuses too...especially if I think he's a good guy but just don't want to date him.

When I was a study abroad student in Osaka one of my female friends had a Japanese boyfriend, so it does happen although not as much as Japanese female + foreign guy. My Japanese friend and I discussed that half-Japanese men in Japan seem to want white women though :) (I dated two of them!!)

[Randy]

Well now as I recall, the only women that I dated that were always vague were the ones that had no serious interest in me.
(perhaps they simple wanted to keep me on hand unitl something better came along)
I eventually made a rule that if I asked someone for a date and they had some excuse not to go then I would not make them uncomfortable by asking them again.
People always find a way to do what they want to do.
Also maybe one other reason that many women are vague is that the very moment that they become serious, many men dump thme like a hot rock.
I don't think that we are going to solve this whole man woman thing here.

[Sera]

It seems in this case when excuses are made, the "honne" comes out. :)

[jack]

I have yet to date a woman who is not vague. I don't think it has anything to do with nationality.